To tip or not to tip?

So Im back after a really long wait for a visa in the UK. And strangely coming back was rather exciting. As my friend Anne, working for VSO in Zambia, reliably informs me though, the euphoria will be short lived, and reality will drag me back down to earth. Until then, Im happily living my Nigerian dream. This includes: pretending to drink tap water which has been respectfully offered to me, so that my work colleagues dont get offended. Trying local delicacies at the canteen which I really rather wouldnt, and having to make the convincing "oh! Thats delicious" face. And possibly the worst so far; calculating any tipping/ bribing needs for the day, stuffing the notes into various pockets, and hoping for the best when the time comes to pay out. 


As a Brit, its not in my nature to tip, and my Indian genes ensure that I dont pay out a penny more than I absolutely have to. So as you can imagine, Im not very good when it comes to "dashing" the locals. I think I might actually be offending them. A case in point: last month we went around the Lagos National Museum. At the end of the tour, I thought it only right to tip our guide, so pulled out a wodge of cash (about a fiver) to thank him. His eyes widened, and he flatly refused to accept, and so I rather ashamedly had to put the cash back in my pocket, and slunk back to our car. I then spent the next day feeling rather sheepish and analysing what I could have done to offend him. Was it too much? Had I given the money with the wrong hand? (right is dirty, left is clean). No idea. So Ive resolved to master the art of tipping. And to get me off to a good start, I even prepared my tip money on the plane over to Lagos. So I was ready, when the local policeman gave me the look after describing to me how he had managed to get us VIP treatment by securing a parking space so close to the terminal building. (The role he played in securing any parking was dubious. In fact we had shared an hour long wait by the side of the road with the mosquitoes and the fragrant gas fumes).  I pulled out my money, and pushed it into his hand, smiling as I shook. Unfortunately my smile was short lived, as the policemans smile turned to hysterical high pitched laughter. "Is that it?!!" he exclaimed, laughing so everyone could hear. I bundled myself into the car as quickly as I could. I wanted to die I was so embarrassed. Simon calculated that I had given him 10p. Perhaps a bit stingy.


So last night when we were waved down by the police at 3am in the morning, coming back from a new friends house, I watched intently as our driver calmly slowed down at the police barricade, offered his hand, in what looked like a movement to hand the policeman some money, shook hands with no money involved, and sped off. So I have learnt my first lesson: leave the tipping to someone else.