According to the Bradt Nigeria guide "English is the official language of Nigeria". English is also the official language of England, and my mother tongue...so why cant anyone understand me? And more disturbingly, I cant understand anyone else.
This comprehension gap has become very apparent over the last week, with disastrous consequences. It has led to us being driven (and then having to go round) the National Museum, when in fact we wanted to go to the Kingfisher club - a social sports club and bar. It has led to the current explosion of cucumbers in our fridge - I asked for 1, and got 1 kilo. And sadly, yesterday, it led to me handing out birthday presents in front of a crowd of 50 people I didnt know, and who quite frankly, didnt have a scooby who I was!
The event took place at my new office. The secretary grabbed me around 3pm and asked me if I wanted to go downstairs for some "fun"...naturally I accepted the offer, and followed her down to the canteen area - a huge rectangular out building with bright orange chairs and tables. I was greeted by 2 massive birthday cakes, and enough cameras to put Big Brother to shame. Immediately I was welcomed into a group hug with a bunch of people I didnt know, and posed for 5 minutes in front of the cakes for photos. The cakes were iced with "Happy Birthday Celebrants of November" and "Happy Birthday Celebrants of December".
After about 20 mins of general milling about, the meeting was called to order by a short, spectacled man in a red T-Shirt, who stood in front of a huge "Happy Birthday!" poster. All the birthday "celebrants" were called to the first 2 rows of the hall. I snuck to the back, but was called to my feet immediately to join in the group prayer. What followed next was an hour of dares, singing and "testimonials". We heard one celebrant's "testimonial" about his trip to London during the Volcanic Ash cloud, and how with God's Grace he managed to get to the meeting on time - this particular story was greeted with "Amens!" and "Hallelujahs!". The atmosphere was like that of an evangelical church, complete with gospel singers. I felt grounded by genuine thanks given for small things by the people in that hall. And so it was at that moment that I smiled to myself, and thought about how Im going to love working in Nigeria, with such warm hearted, enthusiastic people.
My thoughts were interrupted abruptly as a lady tapped me on the shoulder from the row behind. She whispered something, which I couldnt decipher (as usual), and so I just nodded and smiled. The next thing I knew, I was being introduced as a "Special Guest" and being called to the front to give out birthday presents!!! What made the whole experience worse, was that, like in all award ceremonies, a photographer was there to ensure he captured the moment of me handing out each gift on film.God only knows where those pictures will be posted. I can only imagine that when they are, everyones going to be asking who the foreign girl in the photo is!
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Monday, 29 November 2010
The Colonel has saved me
This week I braved the outside world to visit 3 of Lagos' shopping centres. The first: "City Mall"
looked especially promising from the outside - a striking 2 storey white faced building, complete with classical roman pillars and armed guards patrolling the car park. It took me 40 minutes to cover the 2km distance with the help of our skilled driver Raman aka "The Mumbler" (we cant understand a word he says...and Ill be honest, I don't think he can understand us either). So When we finally arrived at City Mall, I was almost salivating with shopper excitement. Naturally, I asked Raman to pick me up in an hour, I figured I had his number just in case I needed longer...I walked in through those glass doors with a swing in my step, so you can imagine my horror when I was greeted by a number of empty glass store fronts, a couple of very tired looking homeware stores, and a pharmacy advertising herbal Viagra. It became clear very quickly that I was in fact the only shopper in the mall.
After pretending to be interested in the latest lampshades in Nigeria's answer to Homebase, I decided to give up the charade and call the driver, but as I headed towards the exit, a red facade caught my eye...could it be? Yes!! Slowly the Colonel's face came into view along with those three mesmerising letters that every student dreams of "KFC"...I brushed aside any concerns about hygiene, and tucked in to a finger licking good chicken burger (not quite a zinger, but Im not complaining). Im not even going to reveal the price...suffice to say its more expensive than London...and thankfully, I did not pay for it later in the bathroom...
My second mall trip took a whole day to get to (or what seemed like it) - out in the Lekki peninsula, on the island adjacent to Lagos Island (yes, Lagos is on an Island). The Palms Mall appeared like an oasis in the desert (literally, as it is surrounded by dusty construction work, and is linked to the main road by a sandy track which brought Snoop Doggy Dogg to mind), but once we got into the car park, I could have been at Bloomingdales.
Inside I found a teeming mall thronged by Nigerians, expats and Nandos!! And guess what? It really did taste like Nandos!
My final Mall experience was to "Silverbird" Mall - a surprising little Mall in Victoria Island.
It had lots of tacky plastic necklace/ fake sunglasses/ fake hair type shops, a clothing shop, with
Mango Jeans selling for the bargain price of £80, and a 5 screen cinema! Hubbie and I decided to have our cinema debut by seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and my ears are still ringing! The volume was cranked up so high to cover the screaming kids, rustling sweet packets and telephone calls (the guy next to Si concluded a 30min business deal) - but to be honest it didn't spoil the film- in fact I think I could get used to all the hub bub, because despite all of these distractions, the audience added an atmosphere that you would never get in London. When Ron tried to kiss Hermione, the guy next to me gave a deep, thigh slapping laugh. When Harry found his parent's grave, the audience collectively sighed ( "So sad!" a lady tutted). It actually felt like Id bonded with my fellow cinema goers during the film. Needless to say the communal love was all negated by the crush that ensued for the exit when it was time to leave.
looked especially promising from the outside - a striking 2 storey white faced building, complete with classical roman pillars and armed guards patrolling the car park. It took me 40 minutes to cover the 2km distance with the help of our skilled driver Raman aka "The Mumbler" (we cant understand a word he says...and Ill be honest, I don't think he can understand us either). So When we finally arrived at City Mall, I was almost salivating with shopper excitement. Naturally, I asked Raman to pick me up in an hour, I figured I had his number just in case I needed longer...I walked in through those glass doors with a swing in my step, so you can imagine my horror when I was greeted by a number of empty glass store fronts, a couple of very tired looking homeware stores, and a pharmacy advertising herbal Viagra. It became clear very quickly that I was in fact the only shopper in the mall.
After pretending to be interested in the latest lampshades in Nigeria's answer to Homebase, I decided to give up the charade and call the driver, but as I headed towards the exit, a red facade caught my eye...could it be? Yes!! Slowly the Colonel's face came into view along with those three mesmerising letters that every student dreams of "KFC"...I brushed aside any concerns about hygiene, and tucked in to a finger licking good chicken burger (not quite a zinger, but Im not complaining). Im not even going to reveal the price...suffice to say its more expensive than London...and thankfully, I did not pay for it later in the bathroom...
My second mall trip took a whole day to get to (or what seemed like it) - out in the Lekki peninsula, on the island adjacent to Lagos Island (yes, Lagos is on an Island). The Palms Mall appeared like an oasis in the desert (literally, as it is surrounded by dusty construction work, and is linked to the main road by a sandy track which brought Snoop Doggy Dogg to mind), but once we got into the car park, I could have been at Bloomingdales.
Inside I found a teeming mall thronged by Nigerians, expats and Nandos!! And guess what? It really did taste like Nandos!
My final Mall experience was to "Silverbird" Mall - a surprising little Mall in Victoria Island.
It had lots of tacky plastic necklace/ fake sunglasses/ fake hair type shops, a clothing shop, with
Mango Jeans selling for the bargain price of £80, and a 5 screen cinema! Hubbie and I decided to have our cinema debut by seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and my ears are still ringing! The volume was cranked up so high to cover the screaming kids, rustling sweet packets and telephone calls (the guy next to Si concluded a 30min business deal) - but to be honest it didn't spoil the film- in fact I think I could get used to all the hub bub, because despite all of these distractions, the audience added an atmosphere that you would never get in London. When Ron tried to kiss Hermione, the guy next to me gave a deep, thigh slapping laugh. When Harry found his parent's grave, the audience collectively sighed ( "So sad!" a lady tutted). It actually felt like Id bonded with my fellow cinema goers during the film. Needless to say the communal love was all negated by the crush that ensued for the exit when it was time to leave.
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